Tips for Colorado divorce with kids
11 Tips for Divorcing Parents from a Fort Collins Divorce Attorney
By: Mitch Tacy Family Law Attorney & Mediator
There is no doubt that children can suffer long lasting emotional damage caused by their parents’ divorce. Please remember that the children are also “getting divorced,” and most likely will have to adapt to the new normal of growing up in two separate households. Now that your marriage is over, you have the opportunity to put more focus on being a great parent. You can minimize the damage of divorce to your kids by following these tips:
1) Consider a mediated divorce. Research shows that not only do you save money you can reduce the emotional toll of involving adversarial attorneys. This also gives you the chance to identify, develop, and consider parenting plan schedules that you might not have discovered during a litigated divorce.
2) Never discuss your divorce in front of your kids. Simply saying, ‘I am going to Court tomorrow,’ or ‘I am meeting with my attorney today’, may cause undue stress to the child. Putting children in the position of deciding between time with mom and dad is emotionally stressful; this is an adult decision that may require the assistance of a child and family investigator, if you cannot agree on what is in the best interest of the child.
3) Don’t bring your children to the lawyer’s office or to Court. Do not let your older and grown children read divorce related documents; children of all ages can be unnecessarily impacted. Do not bad mouth the attorneys or judges to your kids.
4) Have discussions about your differences with your spouse (or ex) away from the kids. Make sure that the kids cannot hear you; kids tend to have bionic ears and can listen through doors and walls.
5) Always be courteous during exchanges with the kids. Knowing that you will always be polite and say “hello” to your ex will make the transitions of parenting time much easier for the kids. Do not use the proximity to your ex as an opportunity to get a dig in. Exchanges should always be drama free.
6) Make every effort to attend all school and extra-curricular activities, stand together if possible. Seeing both parents putting their differences aside to support their child can reduce an already anxious time. Your relationship as parents should last beyond their school years. Set an example early on that mom and dad can celebrate their child’s life milestones (award ceremonies, graduations, weddings, births and more) together. No matter what your ex has put you through it is in the past.
7) Hard as it may be during a divorce, try to say something kind about your ex in front of your kids, it is better than not saying anything at all. How many times have you heard someone say, “I have never said anything bad about my ex in front of the kids!” I wonder if that person has ever said anything positive about their ex. It can be something as simple as, ‘You have a natural talent for math just like your mom, she is really good with numbers’ or ‘You have beautiful eyes just like your father’. You were once attracted enough to this person to have a child that is biologically half of them. Find something positive to say about them for the benefit of your children’s self esteem.
8) Demonstrate that you are committed to being a great co-parent by communicating with your ex about what you have been doing during your parenting time. It should not be up to the child to tell your ex what they have been doing in your care. Keep it simple, ‘we ordered pizza and watched movies’ or ‘We went to the park and rode bikes.’ If it is too difficult to communicate verbally with your spouse consider utilizing a tool like ourfamilywizard.com, where you can log into your account and exchange information there.
9) Never use your child as a messenger for parenting time exchanges even if you feel they are old enough to pass the message on. They are just kids and it is your responsibility to manage where your kids will be and when.
10) Do not start dating until your divorce is final. See a blog on this topic here https://www.tacylaw.com/divorce-and-dating/. When you do start dating take your time building a relationship to determine that the relationship will be long-term before introducing him or her to your kids.
11) Do not interrogate or question your child about who your ex is dating. Let your child feel free to share open and honest communication with you. They will let you know if mommy or daddy has a new friend. Stay calm and assure the child that they can talk to you about anything without a negative reaction from you.
Your Colorado family law attorney will get you through the legal aspects of divorce, but they cannot help you with the emotional feelings you may need to work through with yourself and your kids. Experts say it takes one to three years to adjust emotionally from a divorce sometimes longer. If you are not able to put your differences aside to focus on a happy childhood for your child then you should be seeking the help of a family therapist. There is a list of local family therapists at https://www.tacylaw.com/do-it-yourself-colorado-divorce/family-therapy/. In your future, you have to live with a failed marriage; you do not have to live with the failure of not being a good parent. Starts today by making choices that are in the best interest of your child.
Mitch Tacy is a family law attorney and mediator serving Larimer and Weld Counties for more information go to www.tacylaw.com or call 970-214-8840.
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